I still don't know how many people truly read my blog and I'm okay with that. It at least allows me to vent in a forum of my own world and not be critcised or chastised for my own ramblings. That being said, dear readers, I have neglected my blog since April. For this I apologize.
To update you on my so called life;
I passed my 10-01 Level I with an 84%. Yay me. Onto Level II now. Hopefully this fall.
I started and am one week away from my Final for my EMR. Then onto ACP (Alberta College of Paramedics) Accredidation so I can work in Alberta. Maybe my EMT. I'm not too sure yet.
I have been to a lawyer and have started the process of my claim against the uninsured motorist fund. Although there is no real set time limit, I will remain patient and hopefully the outcome will be in my favor. I can't say a whole bumch more on the advice of my Lawyer but rest assured that things will work out for us.
I bought a 2009 Ford Focus about a month ago and the lease on the PT Cruiser is up (FINALLY!) We are rid of the obnoxious beast! And as much as I don't want to say I like my Focus I really really do. Hopefully my lawyer gets me enough to pay it off!
Umm.. as for the person who hit us - I have entirely disbanded him from my life - and anyone really associated with him. I don't care how he's doing or his ugly ass girlfriend - I am done. His negligence is beyond any repairable state right now and I honestly want him run out of this town. That being said, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him either. I thought I could but now I realize I just can't. And I think I'm okay with it.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
I know I'm sorry
Esteemed readers I apologize for my lack of blogging as of late.
Work's been insanely busy. And yes, I still love my job. I work with great people who make work alot of fun, with alot of learning involved.
I made it through "hell week" of my EMR course. 18 chapters in 5 days - usually it's done over a course of 6 weeks. Ridiculous - but I made it. I now have 6 weeks to do four chapters and a couple of assignments. The assignments are done and I'm done half my chapter work - I'm in the money. Then alot of skill tests. I'm getting more comfortable now with the whole process. Hopefully it's worth it in the end.
Ok so after just demolishing my laptop (and repairing it myself) I shall continue. I have been struggling alot lately with a few different things. Forgive me again readers if I overlap from my last post but I didn't read it beforehand and this is coming to mind.
I have spoken to my Chief about this as well as the Assistant Regional Chief of the county so this shant be news to either. I have struggled with things since the accident involving myself and my fire department. Not necessarily the department itself, but the other member of the department whom was driving the vehicle at fault in my collision New Years Day. I hate the fact that I could end up on a call with him, on the end of a hoseline trusting my life to this person or him running the pump and my being on the end of a hoseline. I don't think it's unnatural by any means. I mean, how could I possibly trust him ever again? I can't. I won't. There's no way. I have struggled with this for four months now and I can't honestly say there isn't a day I don't think about the whole situation. I LOVE MY department and don't think it's fair I should be forced to deal with the thought of leaving. That isn't fair to me. (of course readers I know life isn't fair but suck it up - this is part of my therapy). I have worked TOO hard to get where I am (which by the way I got my marks for my 10-01 Level 1 last week and I got 83.. woot) to just let it go and switch departments. But it is a very real possibility and it weighs heavily on my mind. I have already been told I would be accepted onto a neighbouring department with open arms and that is a comforting thought that I wouldn't have to leave a profession I love so very dearly but it feels like a betrayal in my eyes. I never in a million years thought I would be faced with such a decision and I flop back and forth on it. For right now I'm staying with my department that I love so very much because I honestly am hoping that he will resign - or be excused to be polite. My shoulder has been bugging me for the past few days and everytime it's a reminder of what happened and I get angry, so angry again. I'm sure this too will pass but for now, it's right there on my mind. Again and again.
My meds have been helping specifically with my flashbacks, but I can't say I feel 100%. I know I need to get into my doctor and get into specific therapy but it's just so difficult with both Darren and I working opposite shifts and everything else going on in life. I am not shameful that I need help nor am I angry about having to ask about help but I just need to suck it up and bring myself to take the second step.
Mitch has been an absolute handful lately but we're working on getting him into more routines and getting back in full contact with Neuro in Calgary. We FINALLY got an appointment with his new neuro in May and I'm very excited to see where we go from here. Months ago (I believe in October if memory serves me correct) I made the call to ask for surgery to be considered an option for Mitchell. Although it may seem scary to a "normal" parent, to me it seems to be an ideal treatment this early for him. He will lose less, learn more and be given a bigger chance at leading a normal life. There are times I forget that he is differently abled because of the lack of contact at times with Neurology and the rest of the clinics in Calgary. But now, it's seeming to be better. Hopefully this gives us hope - one way or another. I have been told he would be a candidate for surgery so I'm glad to know that little tidbit of info. When I know more readers, you will too. I promise.
Sorry for the longwinded post but it has been a while in my defence and I thought you might like to know where my life is at right now :)
Thank you all for reading tonight!
momma war
Work's been insanely busy. And yes, I still love my job. I work with great people who make work alot of fun, with alot of learning involved.
I made it through "hell week" of my EMR course. 18 chapters in 5 days - usually it's done over a course of 6 weeks. Ridiculous - but I made it. I now have 6 weeks to do four chapters and a couple of assignments. The assignments are done and I'm done half my chapter work - I'm in the money. Then alot of skill tests. I'm getting more comfortable now with the whole process. Hopefully it's worth it in the end.
Ok so after just demolishing my laptop (and repairing it myself) I shall continue. I have been struggling alot lately with a few different things. Forgive me again readers if I overlap from my last post but I didn't read it beforehand and this is coming to mind.
I have spoken to my Chief about this as well as the Assistant Regional Chief of the county so this shant be news to either. I have struggled with things since the accident involving myself and my fire department. Not necessarily the department itself, but the other member of the department whom was driving the vehicle at fault in my collision New Years Day. I hate the fact that I could end up on a call with him, on the end of a hoseline trusting my life to this person or him running the pump and my being on the end of a hoseline. I don't think it's unnatural by any means. I mean, how could I possibly trust him ever again? I can't. I won't. There's no way. I have struggled with this for four months now and I can't honestly say there isn't a day I don't think about the whole situation. I LOVE MY department and don't think it's fair I should be forced to deal with the thought of leaving. That isn't fair to me. (of course readers I know life isn't fair but suck it up - this is part of my therapy). I have worked TOO hard to get where I am (which by the way I got my marks for my 10-01 Level 1 last week and I got 83.. woot) to just let it go and switch departments. But it is a very real possibility and it weighs heavily on my mind. I have already been told I would be accepted onto a neighbouring department with open arms and that is a comforting thought that I wouldn't have to leave a profession I love so very dearly but it feels like a betrayal in my eyes. I never in a million years thought I would be faced with such a decision and I flop back and forth on it. For right now I'm staying with my department that I love so very much because I honestly am hoping that he will resign - or be excused to be polite. My shoulder has been bugging me for the past few days and everytime it's a reminder of what happened and I get angry, so angry again. I'm sure this too will pass but for now, it's right there on my mind. Again and again.
My meds have been helping specifically with my flashbacks, but I can't say I feel 100%. I know I need to get into my doctor and get into specific therapy but it's just so difficult with both Darren and I working opposite shifts and everything else going on in life. I am not shameful that I need help nor am I angry about having to ask about help but I just need to suck it up and bring myself to take the second step.
Mitch has been an absolute handful lately but we're working on getting him into more routines and getting back in full contact with Neuro in Calgary. We FINALLY got an appointment with his new neuro in May and I'm very excited to see where we go from here. Months ago (I believe in October if memory serves me correct) I made the call to ask for surgery to be considered an option for Mitchell. Although it may seem scary to a "normal" parent, to me it seems to be an ideal treatment this early for him. He will lose less, learn more and be given a bigger chance at leading a normal life. There are times I forget that he is differently abled because of the lack of contact at times with Neurology and the rest of the clinics in Calgary. But now, it's seeming to be better. Hopefully this gives us hope - one way or another. I have been told he would be a candidate for surgery so I'm glad to know that little tidbit of info. When I know more readers, you will too. I promise.
Sorry for the longwinded post but it has been a while in my defence and I thought you might like to know where my life is at right now :)
Thank you all for reading tonight!
momma war
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Another Day...
Another few pesos. It was busy as hell today, and I have been neglecting you, faithful readers and for that I apologize. Life has been crazy the past few weeks and I haven't had much time (nor ability) to write with an open mind.
For those who know me, I was involved with taking my Level I Firefighters course last year. We wrote the final in October and we just found out last week that we all passed. YAY us! We can't apply for our Level I seal though until we have our 472 - which is coming in the latter part of this year. It will happen though, as will our level II. Exciting.
I registered and begin next week my EMR course. Of course I had to get my First Aid with HCP updated as mine expired years ago. What an ordeal that was.
The course itself was fantastic. I had a fight with my brain though. I broke down just as we were breaking for lunch. I felt the adrenaline rush, I felt the anger and the apprehension of the accident come rushing back. It was horrible. I haven't had an expierence like that since I started my meds, or even before. That was by far the worst episode I have had. Usually I only cry at home, and have flashbacks. But this one was in public. Although I consider my firehall my house, it was something else to have a flashback outside of the walls of my own home where people just don't understand. Eventually, and with help I did collect myself and get myself through it, but it was a reminder of just how vulnerable I still feel.
Work is STILL awesome. I love it. Fast paced, and always something to do. How can I go wrong? I have always said I love my job before, but this time I actually mean it. It's a great place to work, with lots of laughs even at the worst times. I genuinely love my job.
I have been angry about certain aspects of my life to which dear reader I'm sure you know what exactly I'm pertaining to. My anger is not resolved. It is not even mis-placed. It is right where it belongs. I don't think I have to apologize for it either. Although I have forgiven said person whom I'd not care to even breathe his name, I am still mad. SO mad. I don't underandstand how he could be that stupid, and I am NOT okay with being your friend. YOU are not my friend. I'm done with pieces of shit like you. I'd rather wipe your face against the gravel and spit on you when I'm done then associate with you - even give you the time of day. Forget my name - until you see it in court. Yea, you blew your chance and I'm NOT backing down asshole. You can't be a man - guess what you're gonna be now bitch. You're going to learn you CANNOT abuse your "Friends" and get away with it. And if YOU were a quasi decent friend you woulda owned up to what you've caused. Get a GOOD Lawyer buddy cause mine IS good. Hope you're happy with the new life you've created - cause you're going to be alone. Oh wait - not alone - but with the one who made you who you are now. Proud? If you are you're a bigger piece of shit than I could have ever imagined. Have a fantastic effing life. I know MINE will be better because you AREN'T IN MINE.
Peace.
(phew that feels better and better EVERY TIME)
Another few pesos. It was busy as hell today, and I have been neglecting you, faithful readers and for that I apologize. Life has been crazy the past few weeks and I haven't had much time (nor ability) to write with an open mind.
For those who know me, I was involved with taking my Level I Firefighters course last year. We wrote the final in October and we just found out last week that we all passed. YAY us! We can't apply for our Level I seal though until we have our 472 - which is coming in the latter part of this year. It will happen though, as will our level II. Exciting.
I registered and begin next week my EMR course. Of course I had to get my First Aid with HCP updated as mine expired years ago. What an ordeal that was.
The course itself was fantastic. I had a fight with my brain though. I broke down just as we were breaking for lunch. I felt the adrenaline rush, I felt the anger and the apprehension of the accident come rushing back. It was horrible. I haven't had an expierence like that since I started my meds, or even before. That was by far the worst episode I have had. Usually I only cry at home, and have flashbacks. But this one was in public. Although I consider my firehall my house, it was something else to have a flashback outside of the walls of my own home where people just don't understand. Eventually, and with help I did collect myself and get myself through it, but it was a reminder of just how vulnerable I still feel.
Work is STILL awesome. I love it. Fast paced, and always something to do. How can I go wrong? I have always said I love my job before, but this time I actually mean it. It's a great place to work, with lots of laughs even at the worst times. I genuinely love my job.
I have been angry about certain aspects of my life to which dear reader I'm sure you know what exactly I'm pertaining to. My anger is not resolved. It is not even mis-placed. It is right where it belongs. I don't think I have to apologize for it either. Although I have forgiven said person whom I'd not care to even breathe his name, I am still mad. SO mad. I don't underandstand how he could be that stupid, and I am NOT okay with being your friend. YOU are not my friend. I'm done with pieces of shit like you. I'd rather wipe your face against the gravel and spit on you when I'm done then associate with you - even give you the time of day. Forget my name - until you see it in court. Yea, you blew your chance and I'm NOT backing down asshole. You can't be a man - guess what you're gonna be now bitch. You're going to learn you CANNOT abuse your "Friends" and get away with it. And if YOU were a quasi decent friend you woulda owned up to what you've caused. Get a GOOD Lawyer buddy cause mine IS good. Hope you're happy with the new life you've created - cause you're going to be alone. Oh wait - not alone - but with the one who made you who you are now. Proud? If you are you're a bigger piece of shit than I could have ever imagined. Have a fantastic effing life. I know MINE will be better because you AREN'T IN MINE.
Peace.
(phew that feels better and better EVERY TIME)
Monday, 14 March 2011
An Open Letter.
An open letter to the one whom has done me wrong:
Dear _______
You have attempted and ALMOST succeeded to ruin my life. If I were a lesser human being you just may have succeeded. There are things you have ruined for me at times, but hopefully I will be able to recover lost confidence in these skills and move forward.
You took something from me I never thought was possible. You took my faith in FRIENDS away from me. A FRIEND does not do this to another FRIEND. Are you that stupid? Oh wait, yes you are.
My definition of a friend is this: Someone who is there for you UNCONDITIONALLY in MY time of need. YOU were the reason for my time of need and you selfishly turned your back. And it remains turned. You took my confidence in my life away from me - and I will continually fight to get it back. Yes, I am angry. You ARE NOT my friend anymore. You hurt me worse than anyone has ever, and this is saying ALOT. I have never once turned my back on you, but this time the last straw has been placed and my back is broken. What you accomplished was losing one of the truest, most loyal friends you would have ever had.
You walked away damn near scot free. You weren't injured, and because you are STUPID enough to have no insurance you THINK you don't have to pay. You WILL pay. I have two - TWO years to sue your ass. And when you least expect it you WILL be served. You won't get away with doing this to me. I couldn't care for myself let alone my CHILDREN for five weeks. I cry EVERYDAY because of what you did. And you? You get a new truck, your fines paid off and you move on with life. So you think.
I can't wait for 13 months from January. When I will PERSONALLY serve you with a lawsuit. You will NOT get away with breaking me emotionally and physically. I HOPE you get PTSD from the lawsuit cause it's coming. Just so you can FEEL what it's like. How emotionally sensitive and unstable you are. When you cry doing simple tasks. When you can't explain why you feel like running yourself into that telephone pole while you drive.
I am angry and I don't think I will ever stop being angry. Money is not going to fix this. I'm SORRY doesn't cut it. You deserve to pay for causing my family the stress and agony you have caused all of us. It's not easy to be a mother on a good day - try doing it fighting PTSD and having one hand. Thank GOD for my husband. HE is a saint. To me you're nothing better than shit on my shoe. I will not wish death on you - but vengence. Emotionally and physically I hope you pay. Lose everything. Just like you tried to do to my family.
Your ex friend.
*This feels REALLY good*
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
What a day. Arg.
I wish there was a text to convey grumpy. I guess I could write in red but that just isn't me. I've always been a blue typist.
What a day. I'm sick of not seeing my husband at night. I know that we both have to work and this is the easiest way for both of us to be able to work full time and not have to have a babysitter which ultimately is what we want. But the stresses of him never seeming to be home at night kills me. Tonight was one of those nights I could have really used him home. Oh boy could I use him home right now.
I am NOT a perfect mom. Today proves that. I definitely am not at my finest form. I couldn't get my paycheque today due to a timing issue which isn't a major deal but it would have been nice to have it in the bank. I have to take the dog to the vet tomorrow for his first set of shots because I'm terrified of parvo. That's weighing on my mind too. He's so little I hate the thought of causing him any pain. Then the kids started in. Madyson was being fine, she was reading like crazy and doing the normal things she does. Mitch started in. He's having a tough day I get that. But there's a definite difference between him having a bad day and a horrible day. And everything goes downhill. He tossed the puppy onto his bed (which wasn't very far but that's not the point. He can't be doing such things.) So I put him in the corner. And my Lord, he screamed. He screeched and bellered at the top of his lungs. It was horrible - not to mention I left him there for longer than three minutes which is usually his normal time out time. In the process I managed to get the dog bathed (he really needed it) and found my only family picture's glass had been cracked. Of course that kind of sent me right over the edge. It's not necessarily one event that has sent me spiraling (oh I forgot I bathed Mitch in there too and he absolutely soaked the floor causing Madyson to fall and I told her to suck it up :( ) but the accumilation (sp) of them all together. I feel defeated. I can definitely say that today is not a happy day.
What a day. I'm sick of not seeing my husband at night. I know that we both have to work and this is the easiest way for both of us to be able to work full time and not have to have a babysitter which ultimately is what we want. But the stresses of him never seeming to be home at night kills me. Tonight was one of those nights I could have really used him home. Oh boy could I use him home right now.
I am NOT a perfect mom. Today proves that. I definitely am not at my finest form. I couldn't get my paycheque today due to a timing issue which isn't a major deal but it would have been nice to have it in the bank. I have to take the dog to the vet tomorrow for his first set of shots because I'm terrified of parvo. That's weighing on my mind too. He's so little I hate the thought of causing him any pain. Then the kids started in. Madyson was being fine, she was reading like crazy and doing the normal things she does. Mitch started in. He's having a tough day I get that. But there's a definite difference between him having a bad day and a horrible day. And everything goes downhill. He tossed the puppy onto his bed (which wasn't very far but that's not the point. He can't be doing such things.) So I put him in the corner. And my Lord, he screamed. He screeched and bellered at the top of his lungs. It was horrible - not to mention I left him there for longer than three minutes which is usually his normal time out time. In the process I managed to get the dog bathed (he really needed it) and found my only family picture's glass had been cracked. Of course that kind of sent me right over the edge. It's not necessarily one event that has sent me spiraling (oh I forgot I bathed Mitch in there too and he absolutely soaked the floor causing Madyson to fall and I told her to suck it up :( ) but the accumilation (sp) of them all together. I feel defeated. I can definitely say that today is not a happy day.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Jen is tired.
Another day away from my family.
Today was a call of duty day, where I spent the majority of the day away from home and with my other family. By my other family I mean my fire family. There was a call for Caroline, and as always I offered my assistance if needed. This was about 10 this morning and I got home around 530. Just another day right? Nope.
This was my FIRST call back to duty since the accident. It was a house fire. I called Caroline's fire Chief (Assistant Chief of the county) to offer my assistance if they did not have enough bodies to fill the boots. He came and got me and off we went. The house was not occupied and no one was hurt - but the house was a complete loss. Pretty minor when you're talking about no lives being lost in the process. I remember thinking to myself "This is it. My first call back. Will I be alright?" Part of me was still as giggly and giddy as my first call ever (which coincidentally was a house fire as well). It felt - well there aren't many "right" words coming to mind.
It was amazing, fantastic, crazy and exciting all at the same time. I finally felt free. I didn't have to worry about my day to day worries, I didn't have to think about the accident - I just got to do my job. There's no bigger high - and I don't care what anyone says. The fire family is one that is so special and wonderful. We are all business at the time of need, but can still sit around a table together after a call and smile and laugh. They are just what I need when my mind is running. I got to do a job that most dream about - and that's how I know that it's my calling. I feel needed and trusted in what I do, which reinterates that if they trust me with my abilities I know I can trust in myself too. It's a pride. In your family, and in yourself. You KNOW you can do the job, you know THEY can do the job and that makes it all worth while. Seeing a family or person in need and to know that they're looking to you for the comforting words or the comforting smile, or even just a hand to hold in a time of need. THAT makes my job worth every long night and early day.
Yes, I miss my family when I am gone. No, those moments might never be replaced. But when I come home from a long call and my seven year old daughter asks me if I helped the person in need, and I can say yes in reply, that makes it worth while. She understands that mommy leaves to help people, and she truly takes pride in it as well. She gets upset with other kids at school if I come in in my uniform to pick her up and the kids call me a police officer. She is the FIRST to correct them that "mommy is a FIREFIGHTER NOT a police officer"... it always makes me smile.
Today was a real head clearer and I'm glad I was given the opportunity to help another family out in a time of their need. I am confident again, in myself and my strength. Thank you Chief for taking me with you!
And trusty readers never forget:
Firefighters were made so Cops have heroes.
Love Jen
Today was a call of duty day, where I spent the majority of the day away from home and with my other family. By my other family I mean my fire family. There was a call for Caroline, and as always I offered my assistance if needed. This was about 10 this morning and I got home around 530. Just another day right? Nope.
This was my FIRST call back to duty since the accident. It was a house fire. I called Caroline's fire Chief (Assistant Chief of the county) to offer my assistance if they did not have enough bodies to fill the boots. He came and got me and off we went. The house was not occupied and no one was hurt - but the house was a complete loss. Pretty minor when you're talking about no lives being lost in the process. I remember thinking to myself "This is it. My first call back. Will I be alright?" Part of me was still as giggly and giddy as my first call ever (which coincidentally was a house fire as well). It felt - well there aren't many "right" words coming to mind.
It was amazing, fantastic, crazy and exciting all at the same time. I finally felt free. I didn't have to worry about my day to day worries, I didn't have to think about the accident - I just got to do my job. There's no bigger high - and I don't care what anyone says. The fire family is one that is so special and wonderful. We are all business at the time of need, but can still sit around a table together after a call and smile and laugh. They are just what I need when my mind is running. I got to do a job that most dream about - and that's how I know that it's my calling. I feel needed and trusted in what I do, which reinterates that if they trust me with my abilities I know I can trust in myself too. It's a pride. In your family, and in yourself. You KNOW you can do the job, you know THEY can do the job and that makes it all worth while. Seeing a family or person in need and to know that they're looking to you for the comforting words or the comforting smile, or even just a hand to hold in a time of need. THAT makes my job worth every long night and early day.
Yes, I miss my family when I am gone. No, those moments might never be replaced. But when I come home from a long call and my seven year old daughter asks me if I helped the person in need, and I can say yes in reply, that makes it worth while. She understands that mommy leaves to help people, and she truly takes pride in it as well. She gets upset with other kids at school if I come in in my uniform to pick her up and the kids call me a police officer. She is the FIRST to correct them that "mommy is a FIREFIGHTER NOT a police officer"... it always makes me smile.
Today was a real head clearer and I'm glad I was given the opportunity to help another family out in a time of their need. I am confident again, in myself and my strength. Thank you Chief for taking me with you!
And trusty readers never forget:
Firefighters were made so Cops have heroes.
Love Jen
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