Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Another Day...
Another few pesos. It was busy as hell today, and I have been neglecting you, faithful readers and for that I apologize. Life has been crazy the past few weeks and I haven't had much time (nor ability) to write with an open mind.
For those who know me, I was involved with taking my Level I Firefighters course last year. We wrote the final in October and we just found out last week that we all passed. YAY us! We can't apply for our Level I seal though until we have our 472 - which is coming in the latter part of this year. It will happen though, as will our level II. Exciting.
I registered and begin next week my EMR course. Of course I had to get my First Aid with HCP updated as mine expired years ago. What an ordeal that was.
The course itself was fantastic. I had a fight with my brain though. I broke down just as we were breaking for lunch. I felt the adrenaline rush, I felt the anger and the apprehension of the accident come rushing back. It was horrible. I haven't had an expierence like that since I started my meds, or even before. That was by far the worst episode I have had. Usually I only cry at home, and have flashbacks. But this one was in public. Although I consider my firehall my house, it was something else to have a flashback outside of the walls of my own home where people just don't understand. Eventually, and with help I did collect myself and get myself through it, but it was a reminder of just how vulnerable I still feel.
Work is STILL awesome. I love it. Fast paced, and always something to do. How can I go wrong? I have always said I love my job before, but this time I actually mean it. It's a great place to work, with lots of laughs even at the worst times. I genuinely love my job.
I have been angry about certain aspects of my life to which dear reader I'm sure you know what exactly I'm pertaining to. My anger is not resolved. It is not even mis-placed. It is right where it belongs. I don't think I have to apologize for it either. Although I have forgiven said person whom I'd not care to even breathe his name, I am still mad. SO mad. I don't underandstand how he could be that stupid, and I am NOT okay with being your friend. YOU are not my friend. I'm done with pieces of shit like you. I'd rather wipe your face against the gravel and spit on you when I'm done then associate with you - even give you the time of day. Forget my name - until you see it in court. Yea, you blew your chance and I'm NOT backing down asshole. You can't be a man - guess what you're gonna be now bitch. You're going to learn you CANNOT abuse your "Friends" and get away with it. And if YOU were a quasi decent friend you woulda owned up to what you've caused. Get a GOOD Lawyer buddy cause mine IS good. Hope you're happy with the new life you've created - cause you're going to be alone. Oh wait - not alone - but with the one who made you who you are now. Proud? If you are you're a bigger piece of shit than I could have ever imagined. Have a fantastic effing life. I know MINE will be better because you AREN'T IN MINE.
Peace.
(phew that feels better and better EVERY TIME)
Another few pesos. It was busy as hell today, and I have been neglecting you, faithful readers and for that I apologize. Life has been crazy the past few weeks and I haven't had much time (nor ability) to write with an open mind.
For those who know me, I was involved with taking my Level I Firefighters course last year. We wrote the final in October and we just found out last week that we all passed. YAY us! We can't apply for our Level I seal though until we have our 472 - which is coming in the latter part of this year. It will happen though, as will our level II. Exciting.
I registered and begin next week my EMR course. Of course I had to get my First Aid with HCP updated as mine expired years ago. What an ordeal that was.
The course itself was fantastic. I had a fight with my brain though. I broke down just as we were breaking for lunch. I felt the adrenaline rush, I felt the anger and the apprehension of the accident come rushing back. It was horrible. I haven't had an expierence like that since I started my meds, or even before. That was by far the worst episode I have had. Usually I only cry at home, and have flashbacks. But this one was in public. Although I consider my firehall my house, it was something else to have a flashback outside of the walls of my own home where people just don't understand. Eventually, and with help I did collect myself and get myself through it, but it was a reminder of just how vulnerable I still feel.
Work is STILL awesome. I love it. Fast paced, and always something to do. How can I go wrong? I have always said I love my job before, but this time I actually mean it. It's a great place to work, with lots of laughs even at the worst times. I genuinely love my job.
I have been angry about certain aspects of my life to which dear reader I'm sure you know what exactly I'm pertaining to. My anger is not resolved. It is not even mis-placed. It is right where it belongs. I don't think I have to apologize for it either. Although I have forgiven said person whom I'd not care to even breathe his name, I am still mad. SO mad. I don't underandstand how he could be that stupid, and I am NOT okay with being your friend. YOU are not my friend. I'm done with pieces of shit like you. I'd rather wipe your face against the gravel and spit on you when I'm done then associate with you - even give you the time of day. Forget my name - until you see it in court. Yea, you blew your chance and I'm NOT backing down asshole. You can't be a man - guess what you're gonna be now bitch. You're going to learn you CANNOT abuse your "Friends" and get away with it. And if YOU were a quasi decent friend you woulda owned up to what you've caused. Get a GOOD Lawyer buddy cause mine IS good. Hope you're happy with the new life you've created - cause you're going to be alone. Oh wait - not alone - but with the one who made you who you are now. Proud? If you are you're a bigger piece of shit than I could have ever imagined. Have a fantastic effing life. I know MINE will be better because you AREN'T IN MINE.
Peace.
(phew that feels better and better EVERY TIME)
Monday, 14 March 2011
An Open Letter.
An open letter to the one whom has done me wrong:
Dear _______
You have attempted and ALMOST succeeded to ruin my life. If I were a lesser human being you just may have succeeded. There are things you have ruined for me at times, but hopefully I will be able to recover lost confidence in these skills and move forward.
You took something from me I never thought was possible. You took my faith in FRIENDS away from me. A FRIEND does not do this to another FRIEND. Are you that stupid? Oh wait, yes you are.
My definition of a friend is this: Someone who is there for you UNCONDITIONALLY in MY time of need. YOU were the reason for my time of need and you selfishly turned your back. And it remains turned. You took my confidence in my life away from me - and I will continually fight to get it back. Yes, I am angry. You ARE NOT my friend anymore. You hurt me worse than anyone has ever, and this is saying ALOT. I have never once turned my back on you, but this time the last straw has been placed and my back is broken. What you accomplished was losing one of the truest, most loyal friends you would have ever had.
You walked away damn near scot free. You weren't injured, and because you are STUPID enough to have no insurance you THINK you don't have to pay. You WILL pay. I have two - TWO years to sue your ass. And when you least expect it you WILL be served. You won't get away with doing this to me. I couldn't care for myself let alone my CHILDREN for five weeks. I cry EVERYDAY because of what you did. And you? You get a new truck, your fines paid off and you move on with life. So you think.
I can't wait for 13 months from January. When I will PERSONALLY serve you with a lawsuit. You will NOT get away with breaking me emotionally and physically. I HOPE you get PTSD from the lawsuit cause it's coming. Just so you can FEEL what it's like. How emotionally sensitive and unstable you are. When you cry doing simple tasks. When you can't explain why you feel like running yourself into that telephone pole while you drive.
I am angry and I don't think I will ever stop being angry. Money is not going to fix this. I'm SORRY doesn't cut it. You deserve to pay for causing my family the stress and agony you have caused all of us. It's not easy to be a mother on a good day - try doing it fighting PTSD and having one hand. Thank GOD for my husband. HE is a saint. To me you're nothing better than shit on my shoe. I will not wish death on you - but vengence. Emotionally and physically I hope you pay. Lose everything. Just like you tried to do to my family.
Your ex friend.
*This feels REALLY good*
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
What a day. Arg.
I wish there was a text to convey grumpy. I guess I could write in red but that just isn't me. I've always been a blue typist.
What a day. I'm sick of not seeing my husband at night. I know that we both have to work and this is the easiest way for both of us to be able to work full time and not have to have a babysitter which ultimately is what we want. But the stresses of him never seeming to be home at night kills me. Tonight was one of those nights I could have really used him home. Oh boy could I use him home right now.
I am NOT a perfect mom. Today proves that. I definitely am not at my finest form. I couldn't get my paycheque today due to a timing issue which isn't a major deal but it would have been nice to have it in the bank. I have to take the dog to the vet tomorrow for his first set of shots because I'm terrified of parvo. That's weighing on my mind too. He's so little I hate the thought of causing him any pain. Then the kids started in. Madyson was being fine, she was reading like crazy and doing the normal things she does. Mitch started in. He's having a tough day I get that. But there's a definite difference between him having a bad day and a horrible day. And everything goes downhill. He tossed the puppy onto his bed (which wasn't very far but that's not the point. He can't be doing such things.) So I put him in the corner. And my Lord, he screamed. He screeched and bellered at the top of his lungs. It was horrible - not to mention I left him there for longer than three minutes which is usually his normal time out time. In the process I managed to get the dog bathed (he really needed it) and found my only family picture's glass had been cracked. Of course that kind of sent me right over the edge. It's not necessarily one event that has sent me spiraling (oh I forgot I bathed Mitch in there too and he absolutely soaked the floor causing Madyson to fall and I told her to suck it up :( ) but the accumilation (sp) of them all together. I feel defeated. I can definitely say that today is not a happy day.
What a day. I'm sick of not seeing my husband at night. I know that we both have to work and this is the easiest way for both of us to be able to work full time and not have to have a babysitter which ultimately is what we want. But the stresses of him never seeming to be home at night kills me. Tonight was one of those nights I could have really used him home. Oh boy could I use him home right now.
I am NOT a perfect mom. Today proves that. I definitely am not at my finest form. I couldn't get my paycheque today due to a timing issue which isn't a major deal but it would have been nice to have it in the bank. I have to take the dog to the vet tomorrow for his first set of shots because I'm terrified of parvo. That's weighing on my mind too. He's so little I hate the thought of causing him any pain. Then the kids started in. Madyson was being fine, she was reading like crazy and doing the normal things she does. Mitch started in. He's having a tough day I get that. But there's a definite difference between him having a bad day and a horrible day. And everything goes downhill. He tossed the puppy onto his bed (which wasn't very far but that's not the point. He can't be doing such things.) So I put him in the corner. And my Lord, he screamed. He screeched and bellered at the top of his lungs. It was horrible - not to mention I left him there for longer than three minutes which is usually his normal time out time. In the process I managed to get the dog bathed (he really needed it) and found my only family picture's glass had been cracked. Of course that kind of sent me right over the edge. It's not necessarily one event that has sent me spiraling (oh I forgot I bathed Mitch in there too and he absolutely soaked the floor causing Madyson to fall and I told her to suck it up :( ) but the accumilation (sp) of them all together. I feel defeated. I can definitely say that today is not a happy day.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Jen is tired.
Another day away from my family.
Today was a call of duty day, where I spent the majority of the day away from home and with my other family. By my other family I mean my fire family. There was a call for Caroline, and as always I offered my assistance if needed. This was about 10 this morning and I got home around 530. Just another day right? Nope.
This was my FIRST call back to duty since the accident. It was a house fire. I called Caroline's fire Chief (Assistant Chief of the county) to offer my assistance if they did not have enough bodies to fill the boots. He came and got me and off we went. The house was not occupied and no one was hurt - but the house was a complete loss. Pretty minor when you're talking about no lives being lost in the process. I remember thinking to myself "This is it. My first call back. Will I be alright?" Part of me was still as giggly and giddy as my first call ever (which coincidentally was a house fire as well). It felt - well there aren't many "right" words coming to mind.
It was amazing, fantastic, crazy and exciting all at the same time. I finally felt free. I didn't have to worry about my day to day worries, I didn't have to think about the accident - I just got to do my job. There's no bigger high - and I don't care what anyone says. The fire family is one that is so special and wonderful. We are all business at the time of need, but can still sit around a table together after a call and smile and laugh. They are just what I need when my mind is running. I got to do a job that most dream about - and that's how I know that it's my calling. I feel needed and trusted in what I do, which reinterates that if they trust me with my abilities I know I can trust in myself too. It's a pride. In your family, and in yourself. You KNOW you can do the job, you know THEY can do the job and that makes it all worth while. Seeing a family or person in need and to know that they're looking to you for the comforting words or the comforting smile, or even just a hand to hold in a time of need. THAT makes my job worth every long night and early day.
Yes, I miss my family when I am gone. No, those moments might never be replaced. But when I come home from a long call and my seven year old daughter asks me if I helped the person in need, and I can say yes in reply, that makes it worth while. She understands that mommy leaves to help people, and she truly takes pride in it as well. She gets upset with other kids at school if I come in in my uniform to pick her up and the kids call me a police officer. She is the FIRST to correct them that "mommy is a FIREFIGHTER NOT a police officer"... it always makes me smile.
Today was a real head clearer and I'm glad I was given the opportunity to help another family out in a time of their need. I am confident again, in myself and my strength. Thank you Chief for taking me with you!
And trusty readers never forget:
Firefighters were made so Cops have heroes.
Love Jen
Today was a call of duty day, where I spent the majority of the day away from home and with my other family. By my other family I mean my fire family. There was a call for Caroline, and as always I offered my assistance if needed. This was about 10 this morning and I got home around 530. Just another day right? Nope.
This was my FIRST call back to duty since the accident. It was a house fire. I called Caroline's fire Chief (Assistant Chief of the county) to offer my assistance if they did not have enough bodies to fill the boots. He came and got me and off we went. The house was not occupied and no one was hurt - but the house was a complete loss. Pretty minor when you're talking about no lives being lost in the process. I remember thinking to myself "This is it. My first call back. Will I be alright?" Part of me was still as giggly and giddy as my first call ever (which coincidentally was a house fire as well). It felt - well there aren't many "right" words coming to mind.
It was amazing, fantastic, crazy and exciting all at the same time. I finally felt free. I didn't have to worry about my day to day worries, I didn't have to think about the accident - I just got to do my job. There's no bigger high - and I don't care what anyone says. The fire family is one that is so special and wonderful. We are all business at the time of need, but can still sit around a table together after a call and smile and laugh. They are just what I need when my mind is running. I got to do a job that most dream about - and that's how I know that it's my calling. I feel needed and trusted in what I do, which reinterates that if they trust me with my abilities I know I can trust in myself too. It's a pride. In your family, and in yourself. You KNOW you can do the job, you know THEY can do the job and that makes it all worth while. Seeing a family or person in need and to know that they're looking to you for the comforting words or the comforting smile, or even just a hand to hold in a time of need. THAT makes my job worth every long night and early day.
Yes, I miss my family when I am gone. No, those moments might never be replaced. But when I come home from a long call and my seven year old daughter asks me if I helped the person in need, and I can say yes in reply, that makes it worth while. She understands that mommy leaves to help people, and she truly takes pride in it as well. She gets upset with other kids at school if I come in in my uniform to pick her up and the kids call me a police officer. She is the FIRST to correct them that "mommy is a FIREFIGHTER NOT a police officer"... it always makes me smile.
Today was a real head clearer and I'm glad I was given the opportunity to help another family out in a time of their need. I am confident again, in myself and my strength. Thank you Chief for taking me with you!
And trusty readers never forget:
Firefighters were made so Cops have heroes.
Love Jen
Friday, 4 March 2011
What to write about today?
Well, today was yet another new day. I'm not really sure what exactly to write about so we'll just ramble on and hopefully it will all make sense somehow.
I started my meds yesterday. Although the one I take daily to "even" my seratonin levels out doesn't seem to be working yet I know it will in time. The doctor and pharmacist said it can take a couple weeks to take effect. Doesn't mean the side affects haven't taken effect yet. I am sometimes nautious, kind of like morning sickness (and NO it's NOT that) but just as a wave. Then I'm fine. It happens and I will stick through it as part of my recovery from everything that's happened.
On the other side of that though, I finally slept for the first time in months. I didn't even hear Darren come home last night at 11 pm. Right through to 4 am when I got up for a few minutes and then fell back asleep until my alarm went off at 5:50. When I woke up for the first time in a long time I actually felt awake. There was no case of "dragginass". I just got up and away I went. Work went well, and I'm excited to say it's the weekend!
The kids built a gigantic fort in the livingroom consisting of every blanket, pillow and chair in my house. Even Lukas got in on the action. Then Hurricane Mitch decided to come through and ruin it - but that's alright it was time for dinner. They're now cleaning their rooms while Lukas is napping.
Mitch has done awesome for peeing in the potty since I got home! He is sitting on the potty without prompting and coming to high five me saying "good boy" when he's done. Hopefully we're one step closer to being potty trained and only having one in diapers.
I guess one thing I could bring up today is faith. Lots of people I know do not believe in God, and I'm okay with their opinions. In fact, providing no one gets defensive and feels offended I welcome the challenge of a decent discussion about religion and faith. In fact, my partner on the department isn't sure how I can believe in God after just what we see on scenes.
Well, here's the thing. There have been times in my life that the ONLY thing I've had to depend on to comfort me is God and knowing that everything in this world is in his hands. If someone dies, God needed them home. If someone is born, a new person is here to bring joy knowledge and enrichment to many lives to come. It's okay if you don't share my beliefs but please don't bash me for mine. I don't rag on you for your decisions, opinions and beliefs. I know that sometimes the only thing I have to do is pray to my God, and that alone brings me comfort. I think all too often I falter as a Christian because of the ridicule that comes with "labelling" yourself. Well, it is my opinion my faith and my life. Please don't think I think less of you because of a different religion, or none at all. To me, I see beyond differences in opinion and you are my friends for a reason. I will neither push nor preach to you my religion. Debates are welcome though :) I like to learn from other people and hear their opinions on their religion or lack of.
I say I'm not a very good Christian. I say this because I have stumbled on my journey. I find it especially more difficult to pray or attend church when something catastrophic happens. I will admit I haven't been to church since my grandpa passed away almost 2 years ago now! That's far too long and I hope that God can forgive my short comings in that area. That's not to say I don't pray, because I do. I just am a very personal Christian. I am comforted though in the fact that my God knows I don't need to go to church to talk to him. Heck, I pray sometimes six times a day. For peace, patience, guideance, patience, more patience lol. Yes I can always find time for a prayer.
Whether or not you are a Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Catholic, Baptist, Atheist, whatever if you are my friend I love you for you - not what you believe or don't believe in. You are a friend because you enrich my life in many ways, and I can see past our differences. After all, we are all our own humans and we all deserve to live as we choose.
God teaches us to forgive. I have prayed for forgiveness for the other driver in my accident. I have told him I forgive you, as I am taught. But one thing I will never be able (nor allowed to) let go of is I can't forget. You changed my life in ways that are irreparable. I do not have time in my life for someone who has no time to call and ask how I am doing - especially when they have wronged me so. There is a certain air of guilt over that on my behalf too because I know on my end the friendship is completely dissolved. I would rather never see this person again. I can't forget what you did to me, how you changed me. Not all ways are for the better. There's a certain confidence you've broken in me. One day I hope to get that back but I don't know when that time will come. I'm sorry that I feel like that. I shouldn't. It was not my fault and I truly had nothing to do with the situation - I AM A VICTIM. But I will choose to not live like that. And with help, I will get to that point. Right now, though, I can't say I feel sorry for myself, but I'm not in the place that I want to be. But I CHOOSE to get to that place and my pride will NOT stand in my way. I WILL recover, I WILL be a better person and not you nor anyone will stop me.
Peace.
Jen
I started my meds yesterday. Although the one I take daily to "even" my seratonin levels out doesn't seem to be working yet I know it will in time. The doctor and pharmacist said it can take a couple weeks to take effect. Doesn't mean the side affects haven't taken effect yet. I am sometimes nautious, kind of like morning sickness (and NO it's NOT that) but just as a wave. Then I'm fine. It happens and I will stick through it as part of my recovery from everything that's happened.
On the other side of that though, I finally slept for the first time in months. I didn't even hear Darren come home last night at 11 pm. Right through to 4 am when I got up for a few minutes and then fell back asleep until my alarm went off at 5:50. When I woke up for the first time in a long time I actually felt awake. There was no case of "dragginass". I just got up and away I went. Work went well, and I'm excited to say it's the weekend!
The kids built a gigantic fort in the livingroom consisting of every blanket, pillow and chair in my house. Even Lukas got in on the action. Then Hurricane Mitch decided to come through and ruin it - but that's alright it was time for dinner. They're now cleaning their rooms while Lukas is napping.
Mitch has done awesome for peeing in the potty since I got home! He is sitting on the potty without prompting and coming to high five me saying "good boy" when he's done. Hopefully we're one step closer to being potty trained and only having one in diapers.
I guess one thing I could bring up today is faith. Lots of people I know do not believe in God, and I'm okay with their opinions. In fact, providing no one gets defensive and feels offended I welcome the challenge of a decent discussion about religion and faith. In fact, my partner on the department isn't sure how I can believe in God after just what we see on scenes.
Well, here's the thing. There have been times in my life that the ONLY thing I've had to depend on to comfort me is God and knowing that everything in this world is in his hands. If someone dies, God needed them home. If someone is born, a new person is here to bring joy knowledge and enrichment to many lives to come. It's okay if you don't share my beliefs but please don't bash me for mine. I don't rag on you for your decisions, opinions and beliefs. I know that sometimes the only thing I have to do is pray to my God, and that alone brings me comfort. I think all too often I falter as a Christian because of the ridicule that comes with "labelling" yourself. Well, it is my opinion my faith and my life. Please don't think I think less of you because of a different religion, or none at all. To me, I see beyond differences in opinion and you are my friends for a reason. I will neither push nor preach to you my religion. Debates are welcome though :) I like to learn from other people and hear their opinions on their religion or lack of.
I say I'm not a very good Christian. I say this because I have stumbled on my journey. I find it especially more difficult to pray or attend church when something catastrophic happens. I will admit I haven't been to church since my grandpa passed away almost 2 years ago now! That's far too long and I hope that God can forgive my short comings in that area. That's not to say I don't pray, because I do. I just am a very personal Christian. I am comforted though in the fact that my God knows I don't need to go to church to talk to him. Heck, I pray sometimes six times a day. For peace, patience, guideance, patience, more patience lol. Yes I can always find time for a prayer.
Whether or not you are a Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Catholic, Baptist, Atheist, whatever if you are my friend I love you for you - not what you believe or don't believe in. You are a friend because you enrich my life in many ways, and I can see past our differences. After all, we are all our own humans and we all deserve to live as we choose.
God teaches us to forgive. I have prayed for forgiveness for the other driver in my accident. I have told him I forgive you, as I am taught. But one thing I will never be able (nor allowed to) let go of is I can't forget. You changed my life in ways that are irreparable. I do not have time in my life for someone who has no time to call and ask how I am doing - especially when they have wronged me so. There is a certain air of guilt over that on my behalf too because I know on my end the friendship is completely dissolved. I would rather never see this person again. I can't forget what you did to me, how you changed me. Not all ways are for the better. There's a certain confidence you've broken in me. One day I hope to get that back but I don't know when that time will come. I'm sorry that I feel like that. I shouldn't. It was not my fault and I truly had nothing to do with the situation - I AM A VICTIM. But I will choose to not live like that. And with help, I will get to that point. Right now, though, I can't say I feel sorry for myself, but I'm not in the place that I want to be. But I CHOOSE to get to that place and my pride will NOT stand in my way. I WILL recover, I WILL be a better person and not you nor anyone will stop me.
Peace.
Jen
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Life as I know it.
Today's post is brought to you by the letter H. That's right, H as in Hello, Helplessness and Hope. This will be a rather selfish post, as I will "speak" mainly about myself.
Be warned. This is not easy for me to shed light upon, but I am trying to be brave.
On January 1st, 2011 I was involved (as a passenger) in a Motor Vehicle Collision. (For those who know me well, bear with me. For those who don't, I promise, I'll try to be as non-gory as I can. Either way, there is a moral to this story, read on.)
I was a passenger in a cab. It of course was New Years Day, as the collision happened at 12:05 a.m.. We were headed West-bound out of town and encountered a vehcle on the North side of the intersection. We had the straight through, he had the stop sign. He failed to stop. He hesistated at the stop sign and decided to go. We could not stop. He was turning onto the east bound lane directly in front of us. Of course the collision happened in a half second, and in that heart beat my world changed. Forever.
Our choices were go into the left ditch which had a fairly steap embankment, right ditch which had fifth wheel trailers or swerve quickly to the left and try to avoid hitting the drivers door. My driver served quickly to the left and hit the other driver on the front headlight and quarter panel.
I'll save you most of the unimportant details, but there are a few things I would like to stress. If neither of us had made the decision to wear our seatbelts, the outcome would have been extremely different. I would have flowing over the airbag, slowing down because of it and hit the windshield, potentially going THROUGH the windshield and into the A post of the truck. The A post of the vehicle is the one on the drivers side between the drivers window and the windshield. If my driver hadn't have worn his, he would have again potentially gone through the windshield and over the hood of the truck. Either way it wouldn't have been exactly pretty. Because of our decisions though, when the impact happened and the air bags deployed we were both properly restrained and thus were in fairly decent shape and able to exit the vehicle. I can tell you that I watched my air bag deploy. I have always noted it was a comforting feeling and to a certain extent it was. The smell of the gunpowder in the deployment charge burned my eyes nose and mouth and when I actually reopened my eyes (I closed them when I seen white coming at me) it is a surreal expierence. I did panic when I opened them again and knowing my neck was alright I got out. When I realized who'd we been forced to hit (I will never say we hit because it was not my drivers fault) I checked with him to make sure his passengers were alright and told him to give me his phone. I called 911 and eventually had the ambulance dispatched to my own scene. My driver and I were both taken to the local hospital and although mostly banged and bruised, I was the worst injured with a fractured scapula and seatbelt injuries across my pelvis. I was released the next day and came home to a very grateful husband and family. Of course we didn't tell the kids exactly what happened as the only one who would really understand would be Madyson. For five very long weeks I was stuck in a blue sling with absolutely no use of my left arm. It was hell. I couldn't hug my kids, bathe them, do laundry, dishes even wash my own hair. I was helpless and it was less than fun to expierence. I know it was less than fun for everyone in my family. Tough to be the fun mom and go swimming and play etc when you're in pain constantly. Eventually some wounds did heal, but definitely not all. I doubt I ever will fully heal.
To get any replayment for anything I have to sue the other drive. My timeframe is a couple years and I have been advised to wait until I know the full extent of everything going on. There is something else, too.
My name is Jen and I have PTSD, otherwise known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is where my post gets more difficult to write about, and please bear with me as this isn't exactly easy to write about. This is where my post gets even more personal.
PTSD is known throughout the world to have a high rate of occourance in War Veterans, people who expierence a traumatic expierence such as Rape, personal Violence, or Automobile accidents. It is a lifetime struggle and with proper meds, councillors and support it can be dealt with, though not "cured". Thanks to my accident I have PTSD. I constantly recall the accident, the airbag, the nightmares, the smells and the sounds of that accident. It doesn't matter really where I am, but in my own house and in the passenger seat of my vehicles seems to be the worst for me. I break down doing dishes, showering, running anywhere. That smell comes back to me, or that nightmare plays again and there is no shutting it off. Or so I thought. Through talking to my best friend and Partner on the Fire Department (as well as my lawyer) I did take the step to get screened. I was slightly surprised when I was told I DO have a textbook case of PTSD and YES there are ways of managing it. I didn't have to have nightmare s and I don't have to have flashbacks.
Now I will be the first to say that it is EXTREMELY hard to take that first step. I cried the entire time I was in the hospital. Until the Doctor gave me something. HELP and HOPE. I may never get over the accident, but there are ways to BLOCK out certain memories and be happy again. Through councilling and other methods (there are some amazing studies in helping people with PTSD) they are working towards helping everyone affected. That was a sigh of relief. Last night, although I didn't sleep well, I slept better knowing that I was on a road to recovery - however long it may be.
PTSD is VERY real, and VERY debilitating. It's never easy to ask for help, but if you think you are okay, it doesn't mean you are. I thought I was. But crying while doing the dishes, or laundry, or coloring with your kids is NOT okay. Everyone deserves to be happy, and no one deserves the nightmares and the visions. Everyone deserves to smile on the inside like they pretend to on the outside and that even means you dear reader. If you even suspect you are battling depression, PTSD or anything of the sorts - do yourself a favor. Admit it. You need help and that's OKAY! It's wonderful if you can smile and mean it. You are WORTH every ounce of gold on the earth and more! Enjoy life - I know I can say that I will - eventually.
Be warned. This is not easy for me to shed light upon, but I am trying to be brave.
On January 1st, 2011 I was involved (as a passenger) in a Motor Vehicle Collision. (For those who know me well, bear with me. For those who don't, I promise, I'll try to be as non-gory as I can. Either way, there is a moral to this story, read on.)
I was a passenger in a cab. It of course was New Years Day, as the collision happened at 12:05 a.m.. We were headed West-bound out of town and encountered a vehcle on the North side of the intersection. We had the straight through, he had the stop sign. He failed to stop. He hesistated at the stop sign and decided to go. We could not stop. He was turning onto the east bound lane directly in front of us. Of course the collision happened in a half second, and in that heart beat my world changed. Forever.
Our choices were go into the left ditch which had a fairly steap embankment, right ditch which had fifth wheel trailers or swerve quickly to the left and try to avoid hitting the drivers door. My driver served quickly to the left and hit the other driver on the front headlight and quarter panel.
I'll save you most of the unimportant details, but there are a few things I would like to stress. If neither of us had made the decision to wear our seatbelts, the outcome would have been extremely different. I would have flowing over the airbag, slowing down because of it and hit the windshield, potentially going THROUGH the windshield and into the A post of the truck. The A post of the vehicle is the one on the drivers side between the drivers window and the windshield. If my driver hadn't have worn his, he would have again potentially gone through the windshield and over the hood of the truck. Either way it wouldn't have been exactly pretty. Because of our decisions though, when the impact happened and the air bags deployed we were both properly restrained and thus were in fairly decent shape and able to exit the vehicle. I can tell you that I watched my air bag deploy. I have always noted it was a comforting feeling and to a certain extent it was. The smell of the gunpowder in the deployment charge burned my eyes nose and mouth and when I actually reopened my eyes (I closed them when I seen white coming at me) it is a surreal expierence. I did panic when I opened them again and knowing my neck was alright I got out. When I realized who'd we been forced to hit (I will never say we hit because it was not my drivers fault) I checked with him to make sure his passengers were alright and told him to give me his phone. I called 911 and eventually had the ambulance dispatched to my own scene. My driver and I were both taken to the local hospital and although mostly banged and bruised, I was the worst injured with a fractured scapula and seatbelt injuries across my pelvis. I was released the next day and came home to a very grateful husband and family. Of course we didn't tell the kids exactly what happened as the only one who would really understand would be Madyson. For five very long weeks I was stuck in a blue sling with absolutely no use of my left arm. It was hell. I couldn't hug my kids, bathe them, do laundry, dishes even wash my own hair. I was helpless and it was less than fun to expierence. I know it was less than fun for everyone in my family. Tough to be the fun mom and go swimming and play etc when you're in pain constantly. Eventually some wounds did heal, but definitely not all. I doubt I ever will fully heal.
To get any replayment for anything I have to sue the other drive. My timeframe is a couple years and I have been advised to wait until I know the full extent of everything going on. There is something else, too.
My name is Jen and I have PTSD, otherwise known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is where my post gets more difficult to write about, and please bear with me as this isn't exactly easy to write about. This is where my post gets even more personal.
PTSD is known throughout the world to have a high rate of occourance in War Veterans, people who expierence a traumatic expierence such as Rape, personal Violence, or Automobile accidents. It is a lifetime struggle and with proper meds, councillors and support it can be dealt with, though not "cured". Thanks to my accident I have PTSD. I constantly recall the accident, the airbag, the nightmares, the smells and the sounds of that accident. It doesn't matter really where I am, but in my own house and in the passenger seat of my vehicles seems to be the worst for me. I break down doing dishes, showering, running anywhere. That smell comes back to me, or that nightmare plays again and there is no shutting it off. Or so I thought. Through talking to my best friend and Partner on the Fire Department (as well as my lawyer) I did take the step to get screened. I was slightly surprised when I was told I DO have a textbook case of PTSD and YES there are ways of managing it. I didn't have to have nightmare s and I don't have to have flashbacks.
Now I will be the first to say that it is EXTREMELY hard to take that first step. I cried the entire time I was in the hospital. Until the Doctor gave me something. HELP and HOPE. I may never get over the accident, but there are ways to BLOCK out certain memories and be happy again. Through councilling and other methods (there are some amazing studies in helping people with PTSD) they are working towards helping everyone affected. That was a sigh of relief. Last night, although I didn't sleep well, I slept better knowing that I was on a road to recovery - however long it may be.
PTSD is VERY real, and VERY debilitating. It's never easy to ask for help, but if you think you are okay, it doesn't mean you are. I thought I was. But crying while doing the dishes, or laundry, or coloring with your kids is NOT okay. Everyone deserves to be happy, and no one deserves the nightmares and the visions. Everyone deserves to smile on the inside like they pretend to on the outside and that even means you dear reader. If you even suspect you are battling depression, PTSD or anything of the sorts - do yourself a favor. Admit it. You need help and that's OKAY! It's wonderful if you can smile and mean it. You are WORTH every ounce of gold on the earth and more! Enjoy life - I know I can say that I will - eventually.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
And now - more about my two other rays of sunshine :)
So I've kind of given a synopsis of my middle child and first son Mitchell. I gaurantee there will be more about him in future posts - there always is mischeif when he starts giggling. But I'd like to introduce everyone to my other wonderful children Madyson and Lukas. (One day soon I will introduce more of myself and amazing husband of almost ten years Darren)
Madyson is my oldest child and only daughter. She's 7 now, going on 23 (At least in her books!)
Born on a blustery September (yes September) morning she was immediately the pride and joy of our lives. Of course two more additions joined her in that title later on! She was born with beautiful blonde hair and stunning blue eyes that will be sure to haunt us come High School. She is so bright, loves to read and spell. She's been an absolute joy and a complete sponge when it comes to learning. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful daughter. She's got friends galore, especially Hailey. They spend tonnes of time together, at our house or Haileys spending way too much time awake being girls! Madyson started grade two this year and has excelled in her class. Last year she was awarded the "Sister Maggie Peace Keeper" Award much to our pride and joy. It shows just how loving and compassionate she is to her friends AND her classmates. I am extremely proud of how she has developed and grown as a girl and am equally excited to see what she becomes!
Lukas was born in February of last year. He was quick to make his arrival, in only ten minutes. Thank God we're in a small town and the only issue was waiting for a doctor to arrive from the clinic about three blocks away. He just celebrated his third birthday and has been a going concern since birth. A bright and beautiful young lad, just started walking.
Lukas (as a side note) was named after a VERY special young lad. Our friends had a young son named Lukas (yes spelling was done on purpose) who was taken much too soon as the result of a drunk driver. It had been a secret wish of ours to name our son Mitch after Lukas but we were very concerned that they wouldn't be alright with it due to wounds being still very fresh. But when we found out baby was going to be a boy I decided to call our friend up and ask his permission to name our son after his, in honor. He said he was okay with it, and I should talk to his wife. (Whom as a side note I miss VERY dearly and love her so so much) When I talked to her that night we both sat there blubbering and smiling through the tears. When she asked how we were going to spell his name I said "The same way you spelled Lukas' name". We wanted to honor his memory in every way we could and that included spelling his name the same way. We love this couple very much and wanted the memory of their son to live on. And thus, Lukas was named after Lukas. I hope they find it a beautiful tribute as that's what we intended.
Okay, onto us. That post went much smoother and quickly than I thought it would - though I'm sure there will be more. And more.
First Darren - he's much easier for me to talk about than myself. Darren and I (like I said in a previous post) met just about 10 1/2 years ago on an old chat program called ICQ. We hit it off instantly, although we had both initially said that neither were looking for a relationship. When we met in person I was completely taken aback at how amazing he was. As promised he was dressed right up and although nervous, was excited to come to a Church fundraiser with myself and some of my friends. As they say, the rest is history. We have been inseperable since. He is a strong man, with a will unseen before. He's a supervisor at the local grocery store (I know it sounds stupid when put like that but it's not a bag boy type of job). He has alot of the managerial responsibilities and a great team backing him (with of course the exception of a few). His senior management team seems anxious to get him trained up to become one of them and for his accomplishments I'm extremely proud. He has helped me so much through everything, supported me in all my career choices and supported the family through the first days of Mitchell's illness. He has a silent strength that continually amazes me. I love him more than I think I will ever be able to understand. Thank you Darren for choosing me to be your wife and partner. You are amazing!
Myself - well this is the part I find the hardest so forgive me if I'm short winded (although I'm sure you're already tired of my post).
I'm a wife and mother - this is the MOST important part of my life. I am a student and teacher, a boo boo kisser and a "nuggler" (That's from Mitch). I'm a firefighter working towards becoming a fully certified Canadian Firefighter. I also just registered for my EMR course which works both in my "daily" job and my firefighting career. I work for a local safety company which also coincides with my firefighting career. Although slightly hampered at the start of this year on all my career accounts I will recover (I will explain more later) and be stronger than ever. Um, right now that's the best I can do about talking about myself so I will say goodnight and write more soon!
Cheers
Jen
Madyson is my oldest child and only daughter. She's 7 now, going on 23 (At least in her books!)
Born on a blustery September (yes September) morning she was immediately the pride and joy of our lives. Of course two more additions joined her in that title later on! She was born with beautiful blonde hair and stunning blue eyes that will be sure to haunt us come High School. She is so bright, loves to read and spell. She's been an absolute joy and a complete sponge when it comes to learning. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful daughter. She's got friends galore, especially Hailey. They spend tonnes of time together, at our house or Haileys spending way too much time awake being girls! Madyson started grade two this year and has excelled in her class. Last year she was awarded the "Sister Maggie Peace Keeper" Award much to our pride and joy. It shows just how loving and compassionate she is to her friends AND her classmates. I am extremely proud of how she has developed and grown as a girl and am equally excited to see what she becomes!
Lukas was born in February of last year. He was quick to make his arrival, in only ten minutes. Thank God we're in a small town and the only issue was waiting for a doctor to arrive from the clinic about three blocks away. He just celebrated his third birthday and has been a going concern since birth. A bright and beautiful young lad, just started walking.
Lukas (as a side note) was named after a VERY special young lad. Our friends had a young son named Lukas (yes spelling was done on purpose) who was taken much too soon as the result of a drunk driver. It had been a secret wish of ours to name our son Mitch after Lukas but we were very concerned that they wouldn't be alright with it due to wounds being still very fresh. But when we found out baby was going to be a boy I decided to call our friend up and ask his permission to name our son after his, in honor. He said he was okay with it, and I should talk to his wife. (Whom as a side note I miss VERY dearly and love her so so much) When I talked to her that night we both sat there blubbering and smiling through the tears. When she asked how we were going to spell his name I said "The same way you spelled Lukas' name". We wanted to honor his memory in every way we could and that included spelling his name the same way. We love this couple very much and wanted the memory of their son to live on. And thus, Lukas was named after Lukas. I hope they find it a beautiful tribute as that's what we intended.
Okay, onto us. That post went much smoother and quickly than I thought it would - though I'm sure there will be more. And more.
First Darren - he's much easier for me to talk about than myself. Darren and I (like I said in a previous post) met just about 10 1/2 years ago on an old chat program called ICQ. We hit it off instantly, although we had both initially said that neither were looking for a relationship. When we met in person I was completely taken aback at how amazing he was. As promised he was dressed right up and although nervous, was excited to come to a Church fundraiser with myself and some of my friends. As they say, the rest is history. We have been inseperable since. He is a strong man, with a will unseen before. He's a supervisor at the local grocery store (I know it sounds stupid when put like that but it's not a bag boy type of job). He has alot of the managerial responsibilities and a great team backing him (with of course the exception of a few). His senior management team seems anxious to get him trained up to become one of them and for his accomplishments I'm extremely proud. He has helped me so much through everything, supported me in all my career choices and supported the family through the first days of Mitchell's illness. He has a silent strength that continually amazes me. I love him more than I think I will ever be able to understand. Thank you Darren for choosing me to be your wife and partner. You are amazing!
Myself - well this is the part I find the hardest so forgive me if I'm short winded (although I'm sure you're already tired of my post).
I'm a wife and mother - this is the MOST important part of my life. I am a student and teacher, a boo boo kisser and a "nuggler" (That's from Mitch). I'm a firefighter working towards becoming a fully certified Canadian Firefighter. I also just registered for my EMR course which works both in my "daily" job and my firefighting career. I work for a local safety company which also coincides with my firefighting career. Although slightly hampered at the start of this year on all my career accounts I will recover (I will explain more later) and be stronger than ever. Um, right now that's the best I can do about talking about myself so I will say goodnight and write more soon!
Cheers
Jen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)