Life as I know it.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter H. That's right, H as in Hello, Helplessness and Hope. This will be a rather selfish post, as I will "speak" mainly about myself.

Be warned. This is not easy for me to shed light upon, but I am trying to  be brave.

On January 1st, 2011 I was involved (as a passenger) in a Motor Vehicle Collision. (For those who know me well, bear with me. For those who don't, I promise, I'll try to be as non-gory as I can. Either way, there is a moral to this story, read on.)

I was a passenger in a cab. It of course was New Years Day, as the collision happened at 12:05 a.m.. We were headed West-bound out of town and encountered a vehcle on the North side of the intersection. We had the straight through, he had the stop sign. He failed to stop. He hesistated at the stop sign and decided to go. We could not stop. He was turning onto the east bound lane directly in front of us. Of course the collision happened in a half second, and in that heart beat my world changed. Forever.

Our choices were go into the left ditch which had a fairly steap embankment, right ditch which had fifth wheel trailers  or swerve quickly to the left and try to avoid hitting the drivers door. My driver served quickly to the left and hit the other driver on the front headlight and quarter panel.

I'll save you most of the unimportant details, but there are a few things I would like to stress. If neither of us had made the decision to wear our seatbelts, the outcome would have been  extremely different. I would have flowing over the airbag, slowing down because of it and hit the windshield, potentially going THROUGH the windshield and into the A post of the truck. The A post of the vehicle is the one on the drivers side between the drivers window and the windshield. If my driver hadn't have worn his, he would have again potentially gone through the windshield and over the hood of the truck. Either way it wouldn't have been exactly pretty. Because of our decisions though, when the impact happened and the air bags deployed we were both properly restrained and thus were in fairly decent shape and able to exit the vehicle. I can tell you that I watched my air bag deploy. I have always noted it was a comforting feeling and to a certain extent it was. The smell of the gunpowder in the deployment charge burned my eyes nose and mouth and when I actually reopened my eyes (I closed them when I seen white coming at me) it is a surreal expierence. I did panic when I opened them again and knowing my neck was alright I got out. When I realized who'd we been forced to hit (I will never say we hit because it was not my drivers fault) I checked with him to make sure his passengers were alright and told him to give me his phone. I called 911 and eventually had the ambulance dispatched to my own scene. My driver and I were both taken to the local hospital and although mostly banged and bruised, I was the worst injured with a fractured scapula and seatbelt injuries across my pelvis. I was released the next day and came home to a very grateful husband and family. Of course we didn't tell the kids exactly what happened as the only one who would really understand would be Madyson.  For five very long weeks I was stuck in a blue sling with absolutely no use of my left arm. It was hell. I couldn't hug my kids, bathe them, do laundry, dishes even wash my own hair. I was helpless and it was less than fun to expierence. I know it was less than fun for everyone in my family. Tough to be the fun mom and go swimming and play etc when you're in pain constantly. Eventually some wounds did heal, but definitely not all. I doubt I ever will fully heal.

To get any replayment for anything I have to sue the other drive. My timeframe is a couple years and I have been advised to wait until I know the full extent of everything going on. There is something else, too.

My name is Jen and I have PTSD, otherwise known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is where my post gets more difficult to write about, and please bear with me as this isn't exactly easy to write about. This is where my post gets even more personal.

PTSD is known throughout the world to have a high rate of occourance in War Veterans, people who expierence a traumatic expierence such as Rape, personal Violence, or Automobile accidents. It is a lifetime struggle and with proper meds, councillors and support it can be dealt with, though not "cured". Thanks to my accident I have PTSD. I constantly recall the accident, the airbag, the nightmares, the smells and the sounds of that accident. It doesn't matter really where I am, but in my own house and in the passenger seat of my vehicles seems to be the worst for me. I break down doing dishes, showering, running anywhere. That smell comes back to me, or that nightmare plays again and there is no shutting it off. Or so I thought. Through talking to my best friend and Partner on the Fire Department (as well as my lawyer) I did take the step to get screened. I was slightly surprised when I was told I DO have a textbook case of PTSD and YES there are ways of managing it. I didn't have to have nightmare s and I don't have to have flashbacks.

Now I will be the first to say that it is EXTREMELY hard to take that first step. I cried the entire time I was in the hospital. Until the Doctor gave me something. HELP and HOPE.  I may never get over the accident, but there are ways to BLOCK out certain memories and be happy again. Through councilling and other methods (there are some amazing studies in helping people with PTSD) they are working towards helping everyone affected. That was a sigh of relief. Last night, although I didn't sleep well, I slept better knowing that I was on a road to recovery - however long it may be. 

PTSD is VERY real, and VERY debilitating. It's never easy to ask for help, but if you think you are okay, it doesn't mean you are. I thought I was. But crying while doing the dishes, or laundry, or coloring with your kids is NOT okay. Everyone deserves to be happy, and no one deserves the nightmares and the visions. Everyone deserves to smile on the inside like they pretend to on the outside and that even means you dear reader. If you even suspect you are battling depression, PTSD or anything of the sorts - do yourself a favor. Admit it. You need help and that's OKAY! It's wonderful if you can smile and mean it. You are WORTH every ounce of gold on the earth and more! Enjoy life - I know I can say that I will - eventually.