Well, today was yet another new day. I'm not really sure what exactly to write about so we'll just ramble on and hopefully it will all make sense somehow.
I started my meds yesterday. Although the one I take daily to "even" my seratonin levels out doesn't seem to be working yet I know it will in time. The doctor and pharmacist said it can take a couple weeks to take effect. Doesn't mean the side affects haven't taken effect yet. I am sometimes nautious, kind of like morning sickness (and NO it's NOT that) but just as a wave. Then I'm fine. It happens and I will stick through it as part of my recovery from everything that's happened.
On the other side of that though, I finally slept for the first time in months. I didn't even hear Darren come home last night at 11 pm. Right through to 4 am when I got up for a few minutes and then fell back asleep until my alarm went off at 5:50. When I woke up for the first time in a long time I actually felt awake. There was no case of "dragginass". I just got up and away I went. Work went well, and I'm excited to say it's the weekend!
The kids built a gigantic fort in the livingroom consisting of every blanket, pillow and chair in my house. Even Lukas got in on the action. Then Hurricane Mitch decided to come through and ruin it - but that's alright it was time for dinner. They're now cleaning their rooms while Lukas is napping.
Mitch has done awesome for peeing in the potty since I got home! He is sitting on the potty without prompting and coming to high five me saying "good boy" when he's done. Hopefully we're one step closer to being potty trained and only having one in diapers.
I guess one thing I could bring up today is faith. Lots of people I know do not believe in God, and I'm okay with their opinions. In fact, providing no one gets defensive and feels offended I welcome the challenge of a decent discussion about religion and faith. In fact, my partner on the department isn't sure how I can believe in God after just what we see on scenes.
Well, here's the thing. There have been times in my life that the ONLY thing I've had to depend on to comfort me is God and knowing that everything in this world is in his hands. If someone dies, God needed them home. If someone is born, a new person is here to bring joy knowledge and enrichment to many lives to come. It's okay if you don't share my beliefs but please don't bash me for mine. I don't rag on you for your decisions, opinions and beliefs. I know that sometimes the only thing I have to do is pray to my God, and that alone brings me comfort. I think all too often I falter as a Christian because of the ridicule that comes with "labelling" yourself. Well, it is my opinion my faith and my life. Please don't think I think less of you because of a different religion, or none at all. To me, I see beyond differences in opinion and you are my friends for a reason. I will neither push nor preach to you my religion. Debates are welcome though :) I like to learn from other people and hear their opinions on their religion or lack of.
I say I'm not a very good Christian. I say this because I have stumbled on my journey. I find it especially more difficult to pray or attend church when something catastrophic happens. I will admit I haven't been to church since my grandpa passed away almost 2 years ago now! That's far too long and I hope that God can forgive my short comings in that area. That's not to say I don't pray, because I do. I just am a very personal Christian. I am comforted though in the fact that my God knows I don't need to go to church to talk to him. Heck, I pray sometimes six times a day. For peace, patience, guideance, patience, more patience lol. Yes I can always find time for a prayer.
Whether or not you are a Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Catholic, Baptist, Atheist, whatever if you are my friend I love you for you - not what you believe or don't believe in. You are a friend because you enrich my life in many ways, and I can see past our differences. After all, we are all our own humans and we all deserve to live as we choose.
God teaches us to forgive. I have prayed for forgiveness for the other driver in my accident. I have told him I forgive you, as I am taught. But one thing I will never be able (nor allowed to) let go of is I can't forget. You changed my life in ways that are irreparable. I do not have time in my life for someone who has no time to call and ask how I am doing - especially when they have wronged me so. There is a certain air of guilt over that on my behalf too because I know on my end the friendship is completely dissolved. I would rather never see this person again. I can't forget what you did to me, how you changed me. Not all ways are for the better. There's a certain confidence you've broken in me. One day I hope to get that back but I don't know when that time will come. I'm sorry that I feel like that. I shouldn't. It was not my fault and I truly had nothing to do with the situation - I AM A VICTIM. But I will choose to not live like that. And with help, I will get to that point. Right now, though, I can't say I feel sorry for myself, but I'm not in the place that I want to be. But I CHOOSE to get to that place and my pride will NOT stand in my way. I WILL recover, I WILL be a better person and not you nor anyone will stop me.
Peace.
Jen
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